"Stand In The Rain" by Superchic[k]

It seriously does not seem worth it.
Crying all the time, after something happens.
It's getting ridiculous.
I'm sick because of him.
I feel this way because of him.
Is it worth it anymore?
Someday, are we gonna show up on Dr. Phil because we won't be able to get through this?
Our relationship is soon to be ruined.
There is no way to patch it back up if he doesn't want to try.
I want everything to be better.
I want to do anything to make it better, but it doesn't seem like he wants to try.
Why try then?
My throat is swollen.
My eyes are red.
Mascara streaks ran down my face.
Twoo hours of crying.
I want it to rain.
So I can just stand there and cry.
No one will know.
No one will think that is what I am really doing.
Why? Why?
This has lasted for almost a year.
It hasn't gotten any better.
What can I do to make it better?
I want to erase everything that happened.
Everyone says it's not my fault.
He's turning the tables.
It wasn't my fault, he thinks that it is.
I can't believe that it really lasted this long.
Twoo hours of crying.
There has been other times.
This is the last time he will do this.
I'm not gonna let him destroy my feelings.
He says I only call him when I want something.
That is true.
But why would I want to call him when he keeps scaring me away from him.
Whenever he gets mad at me, time freezes.
I can't think of anything to say.
That's why he always wins.
I want to tell him how I really feel.
How would I do that?
I want everything to go back how it was years ago.
Visiting him every other week to every time I can.
He used to always call me.
Every single day.
I was being suffocated.
So I guess eventually kept ignoring him.
Then he eventually quit trying..
So maybe I am at fault a little bit.
But he got annoying.
I never had anything new to tell him.
The conversations were boring and old.
I thought maybe if I called him on my own terms,
I would have something to tell him.
But it lead to this.
In the beginning of this year,
when I haven't talked to him for almost 4-5 months,
was alright.
Everyone thought it was okay.
But I was trying to runaway from my problems.
It just made things worse.
Unless, he is wrong.
It's not my fault.
I have my step dad here.
I can't call him "Dad".
I did when I was younger and my dad found out & got mad.
If I did call him "Dad", I would see my dad's face.
Anger.
Pain.
I don't want to replace my dad in my ♥.
But it wouldn't be a replacement.
Just saying who really is acting as one.


P.S. I love you. And I always will, Dad.


to be continued...

(Hey, sorry if no one understood what I was writing. At the time, I was really angry and upset. Everything didn't flow out, it poured out. The music video above is a really good song that I thought goes with the poem.)

At the end of November, it is always about Thanksgiving & the turkey... Basically just getting fat. Haha, but the food is just so good! Then the day after Thanksgiving is Black Friday which I am never able to do. I want to sleep from eating all of that turkey. Haha! Then during December is when it all starts! Somewhere in November, I was in my friends seeing the movie The Haunting of Molly Hartley, and we saw the arrival of Santa & Mrs. Claus at the Promenade Mall. That was also the night they lit up the enormous Christmas tree. It was the first time for me to see the mall all decorated for Christmas since 7th grade. We passed a stand where some people were selling ornaments, a couple groups of carolers (which could've possibly been the same groups), the scents of pine and cinnamon, passing Hickory Farms' stand, etc.

On Christmas morning, I love watching my little sisters get overly excited because every year Santa leaves a trail of mini candy canes from each of our bedroom doors that leads down the stairs to the Christmas tree. Then they find an eaten up carrot outside on the driveway from the reindeer and all the cookies on Santa's plate is almost gone. It is so funny becuase they always get overly excited of all of the gifts Santa left them.

I remember when I was little, well.. Maybe in 6th or 7th grade, I heard that someone was getting a ring. So I just thought, "Awww, someone is getting married?" But I never thought deeply about it on who it was for. So on Christmas morning, my step dad Steve, gave me a tiny red and gold box that would only fit one thing. A ring. So when I was opening it, everyone was watching me. So when I lifted the lid, I was blinded by the shine of the diamond. Yeah, a diamond ring. Okay well he calls it a Princess Ring. But I just totally remember that moment.

My favorite movies to watch during the holidays:

• ELF
• Home Alone (all sequels)
• The Polar Express
• The Santa Claus (1-3)
• The Muppet Christmas Carol
• How The Grinch Stole Christmas
• A Christmas Story
• A Charlie Brown Christmas
• Shrek The Halls

So tonight, I just realized that I totally miss Katie. I had another meltdown, but I don't think that I have ever had a big one like this for her. I miss her so much!

I miss all the times when:

• she slept at my house
• we swam all night in my pool
• we played ping pong with my mom & step dad in the garage
• we texted each other during class when we sat right next to each other
• played volleyball
• we went to the movies & almost wet our pants
• photobooths
• shopping together
• always going to Starbuck's
• laughing at certain "meanies" when they got embarrasses
• having sleepovers with our peeps
• she was always at my house having dinner with us
• she was always at my house anyways
• "studying" together
• taking pictures at the most randomest times
• giving each other nicknames
• babysitting her gma's dogs
• Spirit Days
• going out to dinner
• party buses
• going to the park :D

We were always happy, except during the ups-and-downs part. But that doesn't even matter now. If we made it this far, that shouldn't matter. Besides, it the past, and you can't change the past, just the future. So I am still texting her right now. All I could think about is how much fun we always had together. We shared our tears, our laughs, our pains, our smiles, and our love. According to her, we have hard-core love (friendship wise you sick people).

Name: Natalee (:
Birthdate: July 29, 1992

Garin
Family
Friends
Music
Twix
Starbucks

Flowers
A surprise date
The chances I didn't take